Pang of Mortality
It was a summer day in the Swiss Alps. After riding up the
mountain in a gondola, my wife and I took in the spectacular views of the peaks
and valleys and blue lake below. In the sky above a paraglider had caught a
thermal updraft and wound his way above the mountains. He seemed to be floating
as high as the airplanes. The thought of hanging so high by a few cords beneath
a piece of fabric made me shiver.
We hiked around the top of the mountain. At one point the
path straddled a ledge that dropped off steeply on both sides. I looked down
and felt such a sense of vertigo that I had to crouch down and touch the
ground. In fact, it was more than vertigo. It was a palpable fear of death. What if I slipped down the slope and died?
What would happen to me? That question begged a larger one. Where did I stand with the Lord?
I had put faith in God to the side for a few years, though not
completely. I still prayed and went to church sometimes and claimed to be a
Christian. But Jesus was not front and center. I pursued my own interests and
tried to enjoy life. The unexpected pang of mortality on the mountainside was
his way of calling me back. I thought
about it for a long while on the train ride back to town in the evening. I
wanted to reconnect with God again. But how?
By My Spirit, Says the Lord
I began to seek God again. Authors like Brennan Manning and John
Eldredge and the musician Rich Mullins spoke to me. Manning’s prose about the
infinite love and grace of God was like balm for my soul. It began to thaw my
heart to his love again. Eldredge’s “wild at heart” freedom and manly passion in
the Lord and his sense of immediate connection and communion with God’s Spirit were
qualities I wanted. Rich Mullins’ soulful praise and the melancholic yearning
in his music also resonated with me.
In the Scriptures I saw how we are supposed to
live by the Spirit – not by law, intellect
or personal strength, but by God’s Spirit alone. It is his Spirit who leads us
into all truth. Furthermore, the Scriptures say God
desires mercy, not sacrifice. In other words, he wants his people to love
from the heart, not thoughtlessly or heartlessly follow religious rules. Jesus also said his
sheep hear his voice, and they follow him. We
can hear God’s voice, personally and directly, in our hearts! I saw these
truths in Scripture and wanted to embrace them, but it was slow going to put
them into practice. It took years and years to unlearn bad religious ideas from
earlier in my faith, and then put on the new way of the Spirit.
Goodbye, Plan A
Meanwhile, I graduated from business school and eventually
landed a job at EMC, a highly regarded technology company. I thought I had it
made. The company’s stock was one of the two hottest of the 1990s. This was a
place where I could build a career and be successful! Two years after I joined,
the dotcom bubble imploded, causing the technology downturn of 2001. I worked
in a group in the marketing department. When the company announced layoffs, my
manager took me aside and said, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” A couple weeks later,
he passed me in the hallway looking concerned and said, “They let me go.” All
bets were off for me, then. HR called me to a meeting and offered a modest
severance package. A few hours later I walked out the door carrying a cardboard
box with my office effects. My career at the vaunted technology company was
over. I called my wife on the way home and said, “The good news is I don’t have
to go to work tomorrow…”
We were in the middle of purchasing a house. However, I was
the sole income earner, so my job loss meant we no longer qualified for a
mortgage. The house purchase fell through. Eventually we moved to an apartment
in a less savory part of town to save money while I looked for another job.
Meanwhile, our marriage became very strained. For years my
wife had a problem with rage that had worsened with time. When we argued, she
could carry on for literally hours, screaming, getting in my face, speaking
abusively. She was so loud that
neighbors could hear. On more than one occasion she screamed at and hit me while I was driving, once while traveling
75 mph on the highway. It was lucky I didn’t get in a wreck. When I lost my job
and money was running out, she became furious and indignantly opposed to
getting a job, despite having a college degree and work experience. She moped
around the apartment sobbing while I tried to work from home on entrepreneurial
projects. She told me that if I didn’t
do what she wanted, she might kill herself and it would be my fault. I believe
she had borderline personality disorder, but only showed this side to people
close to her, i.e. mother, father, sister, me. At church she seemed the involved,
caring Christian. With therapists she was shrewd and evasive. But at home the
dark side came out, like Jekyll and Hyde.
These outbursts had occurred for years, but losing my job
was sort of a tipping point into the abyss. She was destroying me emotionally,
and unrepentant about it. If we ever had kids, I knew she would crush them too.
I knew that staying in this marriage would mean an unhappy life and probably a
premature death from the cumulative psychological toll on my body.
As an evangelical Christian I thought divorce is a sin,
except in the case of infidelity. This is why I stayed in the marriage for
nearly 10 years. But I reached a point where I had to separate, and felt at
peace with the decision. I left to stay at a friend’s house. During the
following couple of months I sought the Lord on the matter and felt my heart
moving toward divorce. I was 95% sure until I had a conversation with a
Christian pastor whose father also had borderline personality disorder. He
explained, with great pain in his eyes, how his father had become so abusive
that he had to cut off the relationship. I knew the Lord meant for me to hear
this, and I knew that I needed to divorce my wife.
Two Supernatural Nights
On the night after I told my wife about my intent to
divorce, I fell asleep and was seized by what some describe as a “night terror.”
These are incidents of demons harassing people in their sleep, often
accompanied by horrifying dreams, a sense of paralysis or pressure on the
chest, and waking up the presence of evil in the room. I had experienced this
before and knew that calling out to Jesus would force it to leave (see Luke
10:19). But this terror had a message for me: “How dare you!” How dare I divorce my wife! That was astonishing.
The devil was chastising me for daring to close the door he was using to attack
me.
The next night I had a dream from the Lord. I don’t remember
my dreams normally, except occasionally for a few moments after awaking. But
prophetic dreams are emblazoned in my memory for life. In the dream I saw a
beautiful woman. I awoke and intuitively knew what the Lord was telling me: “I have someone else for you.” This
brought me great comfort and encouragement because I never wanted to go through
life alone.
Job’s Friends
One Sunday I went to a Starbucks coffee shop and read the
book of Job. I noted all of the bad religious advice that Job’s friends gave
him during his time of distress and loss. “You must have done something wrong
to deserve this,” they told Job. “Just admit it.” I also saw how God’s anger
was kindled against them and they were required to offer a sacrifice and ask
Job to pray for them. In my spirit I sensed the Lord tell me this would happen
to me. People would come to give bad religious advice.
Sure enough, they came that week. Christians from my past –
a pastor, a ministry leader, a friend’s father – called to pressure me not to
divorce. They said it was a sin, disobedience to God. I disagreed.
As an aside, I do not claim divorce is good, and can be a
sin, but it can also be deliverance. While marriage is meant for a lifetime, people
can abuse and dishonor it. Sleeping around is not the only form of abuse –
there are many forms. Sometimes people use marriage as a way to lock someone in
to cage of abuse, with the social pressure and enforcement of the church. This
is wrong. God in his mercy sets people free. I know he did for me. “A bruised
reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish; He
will faithfully bring forth justice.” (Isaiah 42:3) For more commentary on divorce, see the Addendum below. Also see We Live by the
Spirit, Not by Law and Mercy,
Not Sacrifice and Faith
Hall of Fame.
My ex-wife, who was generally an honest person while we were
married, began to spread lies about me, saying I was the abuser and she was the
victim. She poisoned the well of virtually every friendship. Not that everyone
believed her, but it created doubt and discomfort. She actually gave speeches
to Christian groups about her experience as an “abused wife,” which is ironic
since I was the one who divorced her. But I suspect that fact is why some
church people assumed I was the bad guy in the relationship. If I so flagrantly
committed the “sin” of divorce, I must be guilty of other transgressions too,
right?
In the end I lost almost every Christian friendship
accumulated over 15 years. It wasn’t all because of my ex-wife’s
defamation. The perceived spectacular failure of my marriage and faith was a
visible reminder that perhaps the evangelical religious system isn’t all it’s
cracked up to be. People didn’t want to look at that, so they didn’t want to
look at me.
So I lost my job, house, marriage, reputation and Christian
community. Do you know what else I lost? My pride. I had a lot of it from my
younger days. I was successful in many endeavors and it went to my head. Pride
is a sin that blocks the Lord’s work in our lives. Having so much stripped away
humbled me.
The Lord Delivers
But I never lost my faith. The Lord was there for me 100%
all the way. As things became worse, his work and presence became even more
visible. I was finally able to put into practice the truths of Scripture I
learned earlier, but was too afraid to make the leap of faith out of the
religious system I was indoctrinated into. God pushed me so far out on a limb
that I didn’t have a choice!
The Lord also delivered quickly on his promise of someone
else for me. I reconnected with a Christian woman I knew from college days who happened
to go through a divorce at the same time as me and for a similar reason –
emotional abuse. Amazingly, neither of us had children. Today we are happily
married and have two beautiful daughters.
Maybe I need to write a Part Three about all the good things
God has done in the years since. But my point is this: The Lord never forsook
me. He was there all along, called me back and built me up higher than ever. I
am eternally grateful for it!
Addendum
Many Christians look at divorce in a strict, black-and-white
manner because of what Jesus said in Matthew 5:
“It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her
a certificate of divorce’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his
wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and
whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 5:31-32
Here Jesus forbids divorce except in the case of adultery, although the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 makes another
exception for unbelievers leaving their believing spouses.
But I want to point out something important in Jesus’
sermon. Immediately prior to the statement on divorce, Jesus said:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit
adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for
her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye
makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to
lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into
hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you;
for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your
whole body to go into hell.” – Matthew 5:27-30
I don’t know of anyone – though I can only speak for men –
whose eye or hand hasn’t caused them to stumble with regard to the sin of lust. I also don’t know of any church that
interprets this passage literally, because if people were honest that would
mean a church full of eye-less, hand-less attendees. So everyone interprets
this statement metaphorically.
Do you see a problem here? Those who say divorce is
forbidden except in the case of adultery – no other exceptions – are interpreting
one statement by Jesus 100% literally, but then interpreting the statement
immediately before it in the same sermon 100% metaphorically.
That's not a consistent approach to interpreting Scripture. It would be wise to step back and ask the Lord what the message here really is.
In reading the whole sermon, Jesus made a series of
statements like this: The Law says this, but I say … And then Jesus raised
the standard to an incredibly, even impossibly, high level. What is Jesus
saying here? That there is a new law that no one can keep?
Let's look at what the Bible says about the purpose of the Law:
“But the Scripture has shut up everyone under sin, so that
the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe… Therefore
the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified
by faith.” – Galatians 3:22,24
The purpose of the Law is to lead us to Christ – to show us
we are sinners, so that we might understand our need for forgiveness and find
it in Christ. The Law is a standard that shows us how we ought to be, so
that by striving for it and failing, we might realize we need God’s
righteousness by faith in the blood of Christ.
The problem – then and now – is that many people think they
are good enough and don’t need forgiveness. I bet Jesus in the Matthew 5 sermon
was speaking to some people who believed they basically kept the Law, believed they were
good enough. So Jesus raised the moral standard so high that no one could possibly
say they are good enough. Gotcha! Now you need Jesus.
Back to the question of divorce. God’s perfect standard is
that marriage is intended to last a lifetime and we should not divorce. The problem is we live in a fallen world and sometimes people's destructive behavior shreds the fabric of a marriage or is outright dangerous. In mercy there are exceptions for divorce. I don't know what they all are, except in my own case where I brought it to the Lord
and He spoke freedom and deliverance.
By the way, if you don’t think there are exceptions, why is Rahab the harlot in the faith hall of fame in Hebrews 11 for
helping the Israelite spies? After all, she hid the spies and lied to the civil
authorities about it. The Ten Commandments forbid bearing false witness. Or why
is Abraham in the faith hall of fame for being willing to slay his son Isaac? The
same commandments forbid murder. Yet these people are recorded in the New Testament as examples of faith to emulate.
Sometimes higher laws are at stake.
Friends, we are called to walk by faith in the
Spirit, in love and obedience to God. If you think that merely means keeping some
set of rules, whatever you have come to believe they are, you are missing the greater meaning of what it really is to know and walk with God. Jesus said his sheep hear his voice and they follow him.
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