My Story, Part Two: From Lost to Found Again!

[For the first half of this story, see Lost to Found to Lost Again]

Pang of Mortality

It was a summer day in the Swiss Alps. After riding up the mountain in a gondola, my wife and I took in the spectacular views of the peaks and valleys and blue lake below. In the sky above a paraglider had caught a thermal updraft and wound his way above the mountains. He seemed to be floating as high as the airplanes. The thought of hanging so high by a few cords beneath a piece of fabric made me shiver.

We hiked around the top of the mountain. At one point the path straddled a ledge that dropped off steeply on both sides. I looked down and felt such a sense of vertigo that I had to crouch down and touch the ground. In fact, it was more than vertigo. It was a palpable fear of death. What if I slipped down the slope and died? What would happen to me? That question begged a larger one. Where did I stand with the Lord?

I had put faith in God to the side for a few years, though not completely. I still prayed and went to church sometimes and claimed to be a Christian. But Jesus was not front and center. I pursued my own interests and tried to enjoy life. The unexpected pang of mortality on the mountainside was his way of calling me back.  I thought about it for a long while on the train ride back to town in the evening. I wanted to reconnect with God again. But how?

By My Spirit, Says the Lord

I began to seek God again. Authors like Brennan Manning and John Eldredge and the musician Rich Mullins spoke to me. Manning’s prose about the infinite love and grace of God was like balm for my soul. It began to thaw my heart to his love again. Eldredge’s “wild at heart” freedom and manly passion in the Lord and his sense of immediate connection and communion with God’s Spirit were qualities I wanted. Rich Mullins’ soulful praise and the melancholic yearning in his music also resonated with me.

In the Scriptures I saw how we are supposed to live by the Spirit – not by law, intellect or personal strength, but by God’s Spirit alone. It is his Spirit who leads us into all truth. Furthermore, the Scriptures say God desires mercy, not sacrifice. In other words, he wants his people to love from the heart, not thoughtlessly or heartlessly follow religious rules. Jesus also said his sheep hear his voice, and they follow him. We can hear God’s voice, personally and directly, in our hearts! I saw these truths in Scripture and wanted to embrace them, but it was slow going to put them into practice. It took years and years to unlearn bad religious ideas from earlier in my faith, and then put on the new way of the Spirit.

Goodbye, Plan A

Meanwhile, I graduated from business school and eventually landed a job at EMC, a highly regarded technology company. I thought I had it made. The company’s stock was one of the two hottest of the 1990s. This was a place where I could build a career and be successful! Two years after I joined, the dotcom bubble imploded, causing the technology downturn of 2001. I worked in a group in the marketing department. When the company announced layoffs, my manager took me aside and said, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.” A couple weeks later, he passed me in the hallway looking concerned and said, “They let me go.” All bets were off for me, then. HR called me to a meeting and offered a modest severance package. A few hours later I walked out the door carrying a cardboard box with my office effects. My career at the vaunted technology company was over. I called my wife on the way home and said, “The good news is I don’t have to go to work tomorrow…”

We were in the middle of purchasing a house. However, I was the sole income earner, so my job loss meant we no longer qualified for a mortgage. The house purchase fell through. Eventually we moved to an apartment in a less savory part of town to save money while I looked for another job.

Meanwhile, our marriage became very strained. For years my wife had a problem with rage that had worsened with time. When we argued, she could carry on for literally hours, screaming, getting in my face, speaking abusively.  She was so loud that neighbors could hear. On more than one occasion she screamed at and hit me while I was driving, once while traveling 75 mph on the highway. It was lucky I didn’t get in a wreck. When I lost my job and money was running out, she became furious and indignantly opposed to getting a job, despite having a college degree and work experience. She moped around the apartment sobbing while I tried to work from home on entrepreneurial projects.  She told me that if I didn’t do what she wanted, she might kill herself and it would be my fault. I believe she had borderline personality disorder, but only showed this side to people close to her, i.e. mother, father, sister, me. At church she seemed the involved, caring Christian. With therapists she was shrewd and evasive. But at home the dark side came out, like Jekyll and Hyde.

These outbursts had occurred for years, but losing my job was sort of a tipping point into the abyss. She was destroying me emotionally, and unrepentant about it. If we ever had kids, I knew she would crush them too. I knew that staying in this marriage would mean an unhappy life and probably a premature death from the cumulative psychological toll on my body.

As an evangelical Christian I thought divorce is a sin, except in the case of infidelity. This is why I stayed in the marriage for nearly 10 years. But I reached a point where I had to separate, and felt at peace with the decision. I left to stay at a friend’s house. During the following couple of months I sought the Lord on the matter and felt my heart moving toward divorce. I was 95% sure until I had a conversation with a Christian pastor whose father also had borderline personality disorder. He explained, with great pain in his eyes, how his father had become so abusive that he had to cut off the relationship. I knew the Lord meant for me to hear this, and I knew that I needed to divorce my wife.

Two Supernatural Nights

On the night after I told my wife about my intent to divorce, I fell asleep and was seized by what some describe as a “night terror.” These are incidents of demons harassing people in their sleep, often accompanied by horrifying dreams, a sense of paralysis or pressure on the chest, and waking up the presence of evil in the room. I had experienced this before and knew that calling out to Jesus would force it to leave (see Luke 10:19). But this terror had a message for me: “How dare you!” How dare I divorce my wife! That was astonishing. The devil was chastising me for daring to close the door he was using to attack me.

The next night I had a dream from the Lord. I don’t remember my dreams normally, except occasionally for a few moments after awaking. But prophetic dreams are emblazoned in my memory for life. In the dream I saw a beautiful woman. I awoke and intuitively knew what the Lord was telling me: “I have someone else for you.” This brought me great comfort and encouragement because I never wanted to go through life alone.

Job’s Friends

One Sunday I went to a Starbucks coffee shop and read the book of Job. I noted all of the bad religious advice that Job’s friends gave him during his time of distress and loss. “You must have done something wrong to deserve this,” they told Job. “Just admit it.” I also saw how God’s anger was kindled against them and they were required to offer a sacrifice and ask Job to pray for them. In my spirit I sensed the Lord tell me this would happen to me. People would come to give bad religious advice.

Sure enough, they came that week. Christians from my past – a pastor, a ministry leader, a friend’s father – called to pressure me not to divorce. They said it was a sin, disobedience to God. I disagreed.

As an aside, I do not claim divorce is good, and can be a sin, but it can also be deliverance. While marriage is meant for a lifetime, people can abuse and dishonor it. Sleeping around is not the only form of abuse – there are many forms. Sometimes people use marriage as a way to lock someone in to cage of abuse, with the social pressure and enforcement of the church. This is wrong. God in his mercy sets people free. I know he did for me. “A bruised reed He will not break, and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish; He will faithfully bring forth justice.” (Isaiah 42:3) For more commentary on divorce, see the Addendum below. Also see We Live by the Spirit, Not by Law and Mercy, Not Sacrifice and Faith Hall of Fame.

My ex-wife, who was generally an honest person while we were married, began to spread lies about me, saying I was the abuser and she was the victim. She poisoned the well of virtually every friendship. Not that everyone believed her, but it created doubt and discomfort. She actually gave speeches to Christian groups about her experience as an “abused wife,” which is ironic since I was the one who divorced her. But I suspect that fact is why some church people assumed I was the bad guy in the relationship. If I so flagrantly committed the “sin” of divorce, I must be guilty of other transgressions too, right?

In the end I lost almost every Christian friendship accumulated over 15 years. It wasn’t all because of my ex-wife’s defamation. The perceived spectacular failure of my marriage and faith was a visible reminder that perhaps the evangelical religious system isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. People didn’t want to look at that, so they didn’t want to look at me.

So I lost my job, house, marriage, reputation and Christian community. Do you know what else I lost? My pride. I had a lot of it from my younger days. I was successful in many endeavors and it went to my head. Pride is a sin that blocks the Lord’s work in our lives. Having so much stripped away humbled me.

The Lord Delivers

But I never lost my faith. The Lord was there for me 100% all the way. As things became worse, his work and presence became even more visible. I was finally able to put into practice the truths of Scripture I learned earlier, but was too afraid to make the leap of faith out of the religious system I was indoctrinated into. God pushed me so far out on a limb that I didn’t have a choice!

The Lord also delivered quickly on his promise of someone else for me. I reconnected with a Christian woman I knew from college days who happened to go through a divorce at the same time as me and for a similar reason – emotional abuse. Amazingly, neither of us had children. Today we are happily married and have two beautiful daughters.

Maybe I need to write a Part Three about all the good things God has done in the years since. But my point is this: The Lord never forsook me. He was there all along, called me back and built me up higher than ever. I am eternally grateful for it!

Addendum

Many Christians look at divorce in a strict, black-and-white manner because of what Jesus said in Matthew 5:

“It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce’; but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 5:31-32

Here Jesus forbids divorce except in the case of adultery, although the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 makes another exception for unbelievers leaving their believing spouses. 

But I want to point out something important in Jesus’ sermon. Immediately prior to the statement on divorce, Jesus said:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.” – Matthew 5:27-30

I don’t know of anyone – though I can only speak for men – whose eye or hand hasn’t caused them to stumble with regard to the sin of lust. I also don’t know of any church that interprets this passage literally, because if people were honest that would mean a church full of eye-less, hand-less attendees. So everyone interprets this statement metaphorically.

Do you see a problem here? Those who say divorce is forbidden except in the case of adultery – no other exceptions – are interpreting one statement by Jesus 100% literally, but then interpreting the statement immediately before it in the same sermon 100% metaphorically.

That's not a consistent approach to interpreting Scripture. It would be wise to step back and ask the Lord what the message here really is.

In reading the whole sermon, Jesus made a series of statements like this: The Law says this, but I say … And then Jesus raised the standard to an incredibly, even impossibly, high level. What is Jesus saying here? That there is a new law that no one can keep?

Let's look at what the Bible says about the purpose of the Law:

“But the Scripture has shut up everyone under sin, so that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe… Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ, so that we may be justified by faith.” – Galatians 3:22,24

The purpose of the Law is to lead us to Christ – to show us we are sinners, so that we might understand our need for forgiveness and find it in Christ. The Law is a standard that shows us how we ought to be, so that by striving for it and failing, we might realize we need God’s righteousness by faith in the blood of Christ.

The problem – then and now – is that many people think they are good enough and don’t need forgiveness. I bet Jesus in the Matthew 5 sermon was speaking to some people who believed they basically kept the Law, believed they were good enough. So Jesus raised the moral standard so high that no one could possibly say they are good enough. Gotcha! Now you need Jesus.

Back to the question of divorce. God’s perfect standard is that marriage is intended to last a lifetime and we should not divorce. The problem is we live in a fallen world and sometimes people's destructive behavior shreds the fabric of a marriage or is outright dangerous. In mercy there are exceptions for divorce. I don't know what they all are, except in my own case where I brought it to the Lord and He spoke freedom and deliverance.

By the way, if you don’t think there are exceptions, why is Rahab the harlot in the faith hall of fame in Hebrews 11 for helping the Israelite spies? After all, she hid the spies and lied to the civil authorities about it. The Ten Commandments forbid bearing false witness. Or why is Abraham in the faith hall of fame for being willing to slay his son Isaac? The same commandments forbid murder. Yet these people are recorded in the New Testament as examples of faith to emulate.

Sometimes higher laws are at stake.

Friends, we are called to walk by faith in the Spirit, in love and obedience to God. If you think that merely means keeping some set of rules, whatever you have come to believe they are, you are missing the greater meaning of what it really is to know and walk with God. Jesus said his sheep hear his voice and they follow him.

My Story, Part One: Lost to Found to Lost Again

A Search for Meaning

One night when I was a teenager, I fell asleep on my bed at home. My dreams took me to a place that was like my backyard. It was nighttime and dark, and I was alone. There I felt the presence of some unknown evil. I heard words being chanted, the same phrase over and over. The exact words escape me now, but I remembered them at the time. They spoke of the nature of the darkness and its malicious intent. This darkness was pursing me.

I woke up feeling a dreadful, spine-tingling fear, as if the darkness were still present in my room. Instinctively, I reached for a Bible on the bookshelf, which was a gift from my mother, and held it close to my chest like a talisman. I believed in God, though religion was not a large focus of my life. Yet somehow I knew that God could protect me. When I awoke again the next morning, I was still clutching the Bible. I do not normally wake up during the night or remember my dreams, but this one remains in my memory even today, a quarter century later.

A few years after that, during my senior year of high school, I was lying on my bed at night again, only this time not sleeping. Thoughts raced and swirled through my head. They were nothing in particular and everything in general: A math exam. Where I might attend college. A girl I was interested in. The district cross country meet. The girl I used to date but broke up with. The school dance on Friday. My grades. Going out with friends on Saturday…

Then a deeper thought crept into my consciousness: What is the purpose of all this activity and frenzy? What is the meaning of it? This philosophical question haunted me. During the busyness of the day I could ignore it, but at night on my bed as my thoughts raced, it surfaced like a behemoth from the deep and demanded an answer. What is the meaning of your life? I did not know.

In English class we read the poem Ozymandias by the romantic poet Percy Bysshe Shelley:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

An ambitious classmate jokingly repeated the phrase, “Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!” as if to taunt others about his achievements. But those were not the words that stood out to me. It was the end of the poem, the decay and boundless sand, that resonated. Here again was the question, what is the point of it all, if this also is my end?

That winter a friend invited me to attend a Christian youth retreat in the mountains of Idaho. My family was planning a vacation trip to Disney Land at the same time, but I decided to forego the vacation and attend the retreat – so heavily were these spiritual questions weighing on my mind! There I heard about the concept of a God-shaped void in every person’s heart. People try to fill this emptiness with many things – human relationships, achievements, entertainment, chemicals, thrills, denial – but ultimately God only fits because we are created to be in communion with him. We are made to experience, serve and know God above all. That resonated with my heart, and deep down, I believed it to be true.

After that came more questions. Which church or religion has the right God? There are many religions in the world, and even within Christianity, there are numerous denominations and points of view. How can Jesus be both God and man? That Christian doctrine seemed fantastic and hard to accept. I attended a Bible study affiliated with the church that sponsored the retreat. I talked to people about these questions and read spiritual books.

Eventually I concluded that the answer to my search for meaning was not in a religion, but in a person, Jesus Christ. He claimed to be the way and the truth and the life, God in the body of a man and the one who could fill the void I so keenly felt. And I believed. The meaning I craved welled up inside as my heart centered upon God’s Son. A sense of forgiveness and joy also followed. I do not recollect a specific day or moment when this happened, but after a long journey I finally arrived at heaven’s gate.
A Time of Growth and Excitement

Next came a time of exploration, growth and excitement in my new-found faith. After graduating from high school, I went to a state university to study engineering and lived in a dormitory with roommates from my hometown. One afternoon I heard a knock on the door. It was a man with a campus Christian ministry who was surveying students for their spiritual interests. Through this introduction, I joined the group and also attended a local evangelical church.

The campus Christian ministry emphasized Bible study, Scripture memory, prayer, fellowship and evangelism. They adhered to a literal interpretation of the Bible, which I adopted, and stressed the importance of obedience to God’s word.

After participating for a while in a Bible study, the leader said the next meeting would be an evangelism outing where we would go door-to-door in the dormitory. I felt nervous and fearful about it. When the day arrived, I decided to go with my roommate to study at a coffee shop instead. On the way I happened to walk by the ministry leader, and he asked where I was headed. I told him and he looked a little disappointed, but said, “Alright.” The guilt set in as I sat at the coffee shop. I decided the right thing was to go on the evangelism outing after all, so I left the coffee shop. Mostly I stood by as he did the talking, but it was my first experience in stepping out in a bold way to share my faith.

A spiritual practice I learned that remains with me even now is a “quiet time,” which is spending some time alone with God in meditation, reading and prayer. More than anything else, quiet times help me to settle down, tune out life’s distractions and reconnect with what is important. I remember reading through the Old Testament book of Isaiah in a series of quiet times, sitting in an easy chair with a yellow coffee mug in hand.

I dated a girl during my first summer break, and after returning to school in the fall, the ministry leader and his wife discouraged me from continuing this relationship. They felt dating would be a distraction to my spiritual growth and certainly discouraged any sort of physical intimacy. He also recommended I wait for at least a couple years after college before concerning myself with marriage. I conceded and broke off the dating relationship.

During my second summer break I traveled to Ivory Coast, West Africa, for a six-week service project with another fellow from the U.S. We participated in a variety of Christian ministries. It was arranged on the other end by a missionary affiliated with the same campus Christian ministry. Afterward I wrote a summary of the trip afterward entitled “My Summer Vacation.” Here is an excerpt:

We left to go to a Bakwé village (a tribe of about 7,000 to 10,000 people spread out in south-western Ivory Coast) with a Wycliffe missionary named Csaba. He and his wife were in the process of learning the Bakwé language in order to translate the Scriptures into that dialect. They had recently come back from furlough and were preparing to go back to the village called Touadji Deux. We spent a week there helping him make repairs on his “bush house” while his wife and children waited at the headquarters in Abidjan.

The morning after we arrived, we walked around the village of about 200-250 people in order to greet the villagers. Csaba had taught us the Bakwé salutations, which we were expected to use. The villagers gave my partner Dave the name Yaowa and me the name Digbi, which means “strong.” (Who are they kidding?) A group of about ten children followed us as we walked from house to house. Often, one or two of them would hold our hands as we walked along. They were cute.

Dave built a table and some shelves. I helped Csaba with some electrical wiring (he had two solar panels on his roof) and with building a screen door. I had a cold that week, which brought my energy level down. We had a fun time, though, and were able to accomplish quite a bit.

I learned so much from Csaba’s house boy Janvier. He is a Christian from Burkina Faso, the country to the north of Ivory Coast, whose love for God was contagious and whose effervescent joy brought tears to my eyes. He was so excited to see Csaba when we arrived that he was jumping up and down and saying, “Le Seigneur est bon!” (“The Lord is good!”) He ran and gave Csaba a hug.

That man’s faith was so simple and childlike that it made me feel ashamed. Csaba was told by two European missionaries who lived in his house while he and his family were gone that they were having a problem with mice. They set a trap, but did not catch any mice. Janvier said that he would pray about where to put the traps. Who would think to pray about where to put a mouse trap? To us, that might seem almost silly, but it was not to Janvier. Janvier reported back and said that God had shown him in a dream to put the mouse trap in a certain spot on top of a wall in the house, as the house had no ceiling. In three days they caught twenty mice! Janvier reminded me that God cares so much about even the small things (see Luke 12:28). Also, his enthusiasm and love for all people and his desire for them to know the Lord warmed my heart.

Honeymoon Fades

As my heart for God and people grew, I steadily lost my passion for studying engineering. It seemed abstract, esoteric and uninspiring. So I thought about changing to a more relational major like counseling or teaching. In fact, three times I nearly made the switch, but after discussing it with numerous people including a college dean as well as another leader in the campus Christian ministry, I decided to stick with engineering and finish my degree.

Early on in Bible study I learned about a Christian doctrine called eternal security. It claims that once a person believes in Christ and becomes a child of God, he cannot lose his salvation. It gave me great comfort knowing that I belonged to God and nothing could snatch me out of his hand. One day ministry leader told me he doubted eternal security and said it might be possible for a person to lose his salvation. This surprised me because earlier he had advocated for eternal security, so I asked him what he would tell a new Christian about this issue. He said he would reassure them with eternal security and wait until later to bring up this thornier issue. The duplicity angered me, but the idea itself made me fearful and anxious. Was he right? Was my salvation necessarily secure?

I felt a great burden, a compulsion, to always obey God. I constantly studied the Bible to understand God’s precepts and learn how I should live. I was reluctant even to jaywalk, copy music or drive faster than the speed limit because the Bible said we should follow governmental laws. I felt compelled to share my faith with people. My knowledge of the Bible was strong, but it led to a kind of “analysis paralysis.” I could argue from Scripture both ways on eternal security. Life became tedious and exacting, and my faith was a source of continuous anxiety. It occurred to me that I was happier and freer and a more enjoyable person in my pre-Christian days. How could that be? Christianity was supposed to be a religion of peace, goodness and joy.

While still in college, I fell in love with a Christian woman and considered asking her to marry me. More to the point, I really thought God was leading me in that direction. When I brought this up with the ministry leader, he did not like it and strongly discouraged pursuing it. Who was he to say that? I felt very upset. This issue precipitated a break with the campus Christian ministry. I later asked the woman to marry me and sent the leader a postcard informing him after the fact.

Faith on the Back Burner

The spiritual conflict and discouragement continued, though I was still involved at church. I became ill with mononucleosis, which evolved into chronic fatigue syndrome. I was tired and slept all the time, except when I pulled myself out of bed to go to work. The only spiritual activity that comforted me was prayer.

One morning, as I walked across the lawn, the psychological and emotional turmoil reached such a degree that I was afraid I might snap or somehow come apart. I made a decision, then and there, to let go and put my faith on the back burner. I had to.

I turned my attention to things I enjoyed. I went back to school for a master’s degree in business administration. I studied, worked and traveled in Europe. Life was happier and freer and I felt more alive. God blessed me with some good times during those years. While I distanced myself from matters of religion, God did not distance himself from me. He would later renew my faith. Because it is true: The Father gives eternal life, and no one can snatch us out of his hand (John 10:28).

For part two, see Lost to Found Again!